For Emily

Emily,

It's been a year now since you left me. I want you to know that the pain is still very real inside of my heart, even a year later. At the same time it seems like I knew you in a different lifetime. Do you know what I remember about that night? I was giving the kids a bath and I couldn't answer the phone. I figured I would call you back whenever I got the boys all washed up and dried off. But you never answered when I returned your call. It didn't click with me then. It would be days later when the reality hit me.

Why didn't you leave me a message? We had a deal, we wouldn't try to stop each other from doing it if it got to that point. We promised each other that. We promised each other that we would at least give the other person a chance to say goodbye. Why couldn't you leave me a message? I called you the next day you know. And then the next day as well. I thought maybe you went to inpatient again. I was waiting on your call from inpatient. We would have talked, you would have said you were getting help and then you would have laughed and said 'You gotta fake it until you make it Lillie, thats how you get out of here.'

But that call never came. I stalked your page like any good friend would do and thats when I found out. Fucking days later. Days Emily! You could have left me a message. You could have left me with that. Yeah Em's, I'm being selfish about this because we had a deal. I never got to tell you goodbye. I saved everything I could from your profile and it's a good thing I did because in just another couple of days your family deleted all of your social media. They fucking erased you from this world. Even in death they couldn't accept you and I wanted to go down there so bad. Trust and believe I wanted to make that drive but I know I would have been in jail after laying into them and I know you wouldn't have wanted that. But I am still pissed at them Em's. If it wasn't for that shitty state and that shitty family, if you had a better support system than just me, I would hope you would still be here.

I want to say that you would be happy with how the world has changed in the last year but knowing you and knowing you're an empath I guess I would say you wouldn't be happy with how this country has turned out this year. We have a new president and he's promised great things and acted on his word but these states have made us out to be monsters and are doing everything they can to erase us from existence. It's really depressing seeing so much hate towards our community right now. But believe it or not, there are good things coming from this as well.

There are so many transgender people like you and me fighting for equality right now and we have the backing of the LGBTQ community and we have more cis allies than ever fighting for our equality. So even with all the hate, we have people standing up for us. Who would have thought we would have ever seen a world where we have people standing up for us? So that's a good thing right Em's?

You know, there was a long time I was mad at you. I was mad because you left me behind because you didn't say goodbye. And on a darker level? I was mad because you had the courage to do what I chickened out on. We spent so much time talking about this and how it's the final act of self love. Do you remember how just 3 months before you left that it was very near being me in your place and you would be writing this letter now? I don't think its fair that you had to be the one to go you know? You were only 25, a month away from your birthday. You had a whole fucking life ahead of you. I was 43. I had my time here. Sometimes I think it should have been me. And then other times I'm glad I'm still here because I can talk about you and I can make sure your memory lives on.

I haven't been that great about being strong since you left Em's. I've had a couple of really rough patches but I think I'm finally climbing out of this most recent hole. I'm going to try to tough it out for you and make sure noone ever forgets what a beautiful soul and a beautiful young women you were. Your family will not erase you, they can't take that away from me. I'm really here fighting because of you. Your suicide was so pointless. It was the product of a misogynistic and transphobic society and it was fucking senseless. It's so sad that humankind can be so nasty to one another that this was the end result. That having a job and a family that doesn't accept you and deadnames you and misgenders you all on purpose. That kicks you out of the family because they don't accept you. What kind of shitty world is that. I wish I could have done more for you.

I want to quote Matt Haig who says "Suicide isn't selfish. Suicide is normally death caused by the illness of depression. A final symptom. A collapse under unbearable wieght. Suicide is a tragedy. If you've never been close to that edge try not to judge what you can't understand." There's really nothing more to be said is there? We only knew each other briefly Em's, but you touched my heart and you will forever be a part of my life and I shall never forget you.

Rest easy Emily. I love you and I miss you terribly and I promise I will keep fighting so noone else ever has to lose their Emily. I hope you finally have your happiness and one day, in the distant future, we shall meet again. I miss you and I love you Emily.

Emily Nicole Brown

May 26th, 1994 to April 20th 2020