A Letter To My Future Self

I wrote this to myself July 2nd of 2019. This was in the days leading up to my name change. My therapist had suggested some kind of ceremony, something to commemorate my name change. I had struggled with wanting to do something for this milestone in my life, I had socially transitioned 3 weeks prior and I really wanted to celebrate my transition somehow. My days as Greg were numbered and I wanted closure on that chapter in my life. In the 2 years seeing my therapist exploring my gender I would 'write' in a diary on my phone and let my therapist read it at the beginning of each session and that would dictate how the session would go. I had showed an affinity for expressing myself through writing in the previous 2 years so writing me a letter from him to her was my assignment. This would be the very first of my essays about my transition and what we as transgender people go through.

Lillith,

Take a breath. Look down at your two feet. Where are they right now? Look around you. Do you see nature? Go touch the leaves. Pick a flower and deeply inhale its beautiful fragrance. Do you hear birds? Stop and take a moment to go listen to their music, because not everyone is so fortunate enough to be able to hear and enjoy that experience. Do you feel the sunshine on your skin? If not, go step outside and be grateful for the fact that it is constantly shining down on you, and that you are alive.

Life isn’t a sprint, it’s a long race and you’re not in it just to “win.” Be gentle with yourself. Be messy sometimes. Let it all go. Embrace all of your learnings and cherish your experiences because they truly are divinely fated.

No one lives forever so be sure to cherish every moment, and when they pass and when you pass, find comfort in knowing that we are simply souls within these bodies, and we will all be connected at some point again. Life is a gift, not something that is a given, so enjoy every second while you’re here. Make the most of it. Live it to your fullest and please, be true to yourself Lillie. You had a rough road to travel just to even exist. You are valid, you are real. It's not a dream anymore. I'm handing over the keys to this vessel I've called home for so long. Now it's your turn. I'm sorry it took me so long to realize this was your home and you were screaming to be let in. I know you'll do great things and I know you're truly on your path to happiness now.

While I know you aren't as experienced in the world, you are getting ready. Soon, I'll leave full charge to you, because you are the only one who is truly deserving of this body. Even if it never matches how you feel some days, it will always be yours. I'm sorry for having contaminated it with the presence that was male. My stoic demeanor has been wearing us down, and while it has been partly to hide the pain, it's just as much because of my embarassment from having you inside. This is your body, not mine. I really hope that I didn't screw it up too much for you. Wear what clothes you want, because you deserve to wear them. Be the woman you were destined to be. Don't be defined by my mistakes.

Years ago I prayed to anyone and anything that would listen for your happiness. On your road ahead please don't lose hope. We were put here on this earth to feel joy and not be blue. There will be sad times and bad times and I know that you have the strength to see them through. Look at how far you have come. Look at all you've accomplished. Hold your head high! Though I can't know for sure how things will work out for you, no matter how hard it gets, please realize, please understand that you weren't put on this earth to suffer and cry. We were made for being happy. So for me.....for you....please....be happy.

Gregory